Thank you for applying for the position of my friendship. In our interview I mentioned that I will be hiring new friends when ALL of my current ones have wedded. This has not yet occurred in full. I assure you that your services will be needed shortly. I appreciate your alacrity regarding this matter and look foward to our future business together.
Please bear in mind the following requirements:
1. You will not wed before your 30's.
2. You will accept my mode of dress.
3. We will only eat in kosher restaurants.
4. Swearing is okay within limits.
5. You will make efforts to learn my vernacular.
6. You will walk over on Shabbos without trying to call me before hand, if you drive please park on the next block.
7. You will not try to fix me up with your Mennonite cousin, it is not the same.
8. You will not wear super low cut tops to my house, unless you're basically flat.
Looking foward (for real),
Short girl 1