Friday, July 19, 2013

Re: Office of Admissions

Dear Goyim,

Thank you for applying for the position of my friendship.  In our interview I mentioned that I will be hiring new friends when ALL of my current ones have wedded. This has not yet occurred in full. I assure you that your services will be needed shortly. I appreciate your alacrity regarding this matter and look foward to our future business together.

Please bear in mind the following requirements:

1. You will not wed before your 30's.

2. You will accept my mode of dress.

3. We will only eat in kosher restaurants.

4. Swearing is okay within limits.

5. You will make efforts to learn my vernacular.

6. You will walk over on Shabbos without trying to call me before hand, if you drive please park on the next block.

7. You will not try to fix me up with your Mennonite cousin, it is not the same.

8. You will not wear super low cut tops to my house, unless you're basically flat.

Looking foward (for real),
Short girl 1

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Harping on our pasts: One brat's journey of untold resentment

Dearest Mama and Papa,

I write to you by the light of a small candle. The memories are flooding in ever so rapidly. Remember the days when we were joyous and free...?

Well, I don't. Who neglects to make their daughter a *Bat-mitzva party? According to my sources this is not normal. Every girl has a dorky *Bas-mitzva party for their class. Unless they are poor or nerdy. I do not recall being either.

Where is social services when they are needed?

*please select your dialectical preference [Bas/Bat]

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

One man's quest to fix the world.

I have taken the time to respond to a letter written by some guy who needs a quality therapist. See responses in Red.

I write the following with a very heavy heart. I am a life-long Zionist. I believe that the State of Israel is part of the process of redemption. Along with many readers, I cry when misfortune befalls the Jewish State, and I rejoice when hearing good tidings. Indeed, these words are being written the day before Yom HaAtzmaut, when I will join untold numbers of Jews in joyously reciting Hallel. Yet I find myself in the uncomfortable but necessary position of calling upon fellow supporters of Israel to refrain from attending the upcoming Celebrate Israel Parade.
For almost nine months, I have been involved in trying to resolve a critical matter regarding the parade (formerly the Salute to Israel Parade). This annual event is a centerpiece of support for Israel in New York. One television station covers the parade from start to finish. The parade is a moment for supporters of Israel to put their best foot forward, to showcase the broad support that Israel enjoys.
Last year, however, a radical change took place that compromised the moral integrity of the parade. Jewish Queer Youth, a group of mostly Orthodox gay men and women, was permitted to march under its own banner. This alone would have been bad enough, but the group used its platform to glorify homosexuality and to declare that homosexual conduct is normal.
One particularly offensive banner stated: "We are in every yeshiva.".
Upon hearing this, I contacted the Jewish Community Relations Council of New York, which administers the parade. I expressed my concern that the parade was endorsing behavior that the Torah describes as an "abomination." I noted that it would be no different if a group called "Shabbat Violators for Israel" or "Adulterers for Israel" were allowed to march. My plea, to a JCRC staff member, fell on deaf ears (a later email to JCRC head Michael Miller has gone unanswered as well).
The JCRC staffer insisted that the parade lineup had been circulated ahead of time to the participating organizations; had they wanted to protest, they would have done so ex ante. Yet perusing that lineup, which was available on the JCRC website, it took three attempts for me to find Jewish Queer Youth, because it was listed simply by the initials JQY! OH THE HORROR. Yes, its participation was disclosed, but not in a manner discernible to the other groups. Moreover, JQY was shunted to the back of the parade to minimize the chance that others would notice its participation. Indeed, my wife left the parade route a bit before the end of the march, and we found out about JQY’s attendance only because a friend who stayed later called us, disturbed at what she saw.
Over the course of several months, I spent considerable time contacting dozens of principals and rabbeim at yeshivos that march in the parade. I expressed my belief that it is unacceptable for Orthodox groups to march in the same parade as a group that glorifies immorality. With a few exceptions, those to whom I spoke were sympathetic to my concerns. However, I could not find someone who would step up and, as I desired, author a letter to the JCRC that would declare unequivocally that yeshivos would not march in the 2013 parade unless Jewish Queer Youth were excluded.
Nonetheless, some progress was made, and several weeks ago, JCRC was called to a meeting of leading Jewish educators. I did not attend the meeting, but someone who was present has told me that with the exception of one school, the others were willing to tolerate JQY’s participation in future parades.
I found this news jarring
., but I was not entirely surprised. Approximately two decades ago, a synagogue that caters to a mostly gay and lesbian clientele attempted to march with provocative language on its banner. At the time, the yeshivos objected and threatened to boycott the parade. The parade organizers backed down, and the synagogue was forced to march under a banner that simply stated its name.
Why, then, was I not surprised that today no one would step up? What has changed since the earlier confrontation was successfully resolved? The answer is that in the ensuing two decades, an unrelenting campaign by gay activists has caused even those within our own camp to question whether homosexual conduct is immoral. It is said that a lie repeated often enough becomes the truth. This is precisely what has happened regarding homosexuality. We have been so worn down by the pro-gay campaign that we have begun to question our own stance; uncompromising opposition has given way to moral ambivalence.
Why, however, should we care whether gays openly march alongside us? In truth, there are many devastating ramifications. Readers may not know, but the stated goal of gay activists is to make homosexuality "normal" in law and in practice. Here are some of their goals:
1. Redefinition of marriage. Already implemented in New York, gay activists want full recognition of same-sex unions in all spheres of public life. For example, we can expect that advertising posters, publicly displayed for us and our children to see, will feature gay couples. We can expect the same in television, print, and online ads. If you don’t believe this, consider that one tv show, Modern Family, portrays a gay family as entirely normal. I have not seen the show, but I have read that this family is treated as just another nuclear unit; no mention is made of its different construction.
2. Gay activists seek to equate their cause with the cause for black civil rights. In the not too distant future, it may become a hate crime to publicly speak against homosexuality. In case readers are unclear, let me rephrase this: If a rabbi, speaking about Jewish law, states that homosexual conduct is an abomination, he may be subject to a lawsuit or even to arrest!
3. Home sellers and renters will not be allowed to exclude gay couples from buying or renting. You will advertise your second floor for rent. A gay couple will show up and you will not be allowed to refuse to rent to them based on their sexual preference. Your children will be exposed to this unnatural coupling and you will be unable to do anything about it.
4. Gays have long been on a campaign to teach children that their lifestyle is just one of many "normal" choices. This is being taught in schools to children at the youngest ages. And while parochial schools are not forced to teach this, we should be concerned that public school youths are exposed to this blatant immorality. And let us not forget that many Orthodox boys and girls attend public schools.
One of the big lies espoused by gay activists is that separation of church and state precludes the government from taking a moral stand against homosexuality. The implication is stunning. If one believes that the law cannot indicate a preference for heterosexuality, one is saying that almost every legislator who has served since the founding of our country until approximately five years ago is a racist. He or she, by refusing to endorse same-sex marriage, is as guilty of discrimination as were anti-civil rights legislators. Bill Clinton as President was no better in this regard than, say, segregation firebrand Stephen A. Douglas.
Separation of church and state prohibits the government from incorporating a specific religion in law. It does not prohibit the state from taking moral positions. The state takes moral positions on many matters and ensconces those positions in law. For example, it is illegal to kill. The law prohibits murder not only because society could not function if murder were legal, but because the Judeo-Christian heritage looks upon murder as morally repugnant. This is readily seen in the fact that when a murder is particularly egregious, judges will denounce the defendant in very strong terms and impose an even greater sentence than might otherwise be incurred.

As our law has evolved, the law and the courts generally have avoided taking positions on matters that do not have consensus among mainline religious groups. For example, there is no religious consensus on abortion. The Catholic view, for one, is much more restrictive than the Jewish view. But when it comes to homosexuality, our shared religious tradition has been unequivocal in viewing it as an abomination, as stated in the Torah. It is perfectly reasonable for law to reflect this unambiguous view. And while no one is suggesting that the government peek into people’s private lives, the law must not endorse this immoral conduct.
Does it make a difference whether a behavior is simply tolerated or whether it is given the law’s stamp of approval? The Midrash (Bereishit Rabbah 26:5) teaches that the fate of the Generation of the Flood was sealed when it became legal for men to contract marriages with each other! The behavior was going on, tolerated by G-d, until it was given the imprimatur of law.
My friends, do we risk becoming another flood generation, G-d forbid?
The damage is even greater when we consider our beloved State of Israel. The Torah states that homosexual behavior can lead to the spitting out of Israel’s inhabitants (VaYikra 18:22-28). If we participate in a parade that endorses homosexuality, how are we contributing to Israel’s welfare? The Celebrate Israel Parade, by including Jewish Queer Youth, transforms from an event that benefits Israel to one that harms it. Dear readers, are you willing to be a party to such an event?
Well-meaning disputants have countered that Orthodox groups do march alongside Conservative and Reform groups, notwithstanding their endorsement of non-halachic practices. This is true, but it is beside the point. Conservative and Reform temples and organizations do not state openly on their parade banners that they reject Jewish law. Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik, zt’l, was quoted frequently to the effect that we can and must cooperate with heterodox groups on matters of communal import. The Rav wrote that all Jews share a "covenant of fate," that our destiny is inextricably intertwined. However, it is unimaginable that he would have consented to walk in tandem with a group whose whole raison d’etre is to flout halachah.
I had hoped to carry on this campaign to a successful conclusion without having to take my case public. However, the refusal
of schools and organizations to challenge the Jewish Community Relations Council has left me no choice.
If the Orthodox public takes a stand, collectively or individually, we may succeed in changing the composition of the parade. If we stand by and do nothing, we in effect are stating that the Torah’s moral code carries no weight.
The Celebrate Israel Parade is scheduled for Sunday, June 2nd. There is still time for those of you who agree with my message to protest to your yeshivos, day schools, and organizations that the current composition of the parade is unacceptable, and that if JQY marches, you will not march or attend.
I welcome suggestions on how to bring this matter to a successful conclusion. I welcome messages of support as well; if you are willing to stay away from the parade, please tell me. With the blessing of G-d, we will succeed.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Crisis averted.

The Talmud (Sotah 2b) tells us that forty days before the formation of a child a Bas Kol (heavenly voice) goes forth and declares:

The daughter of so and so is destined to marry this person...

The randomizer app has kindly offered to assist in matching the following blog people for which I will be ordaining betrothal ceremonies at a reasonable fee.

Frumsatire for Dovbear
Badforshidduchim for Masculine Jew
Tesyaa for Dan
Slifkin for Fink
Short girl 2 for Short girl 1 (Relax, we were all thinking it already.)

Reception and dinner to follow
Black tie optional

*Single or non-single status has been unaccounted for.

Short girl 1

Good Gay News

Oh hi.

This is a public service announcement. You may remember me from such posts as "The short on JQY (Jewish Queer Youth)," in which I made a plea for this organization to remain religiously neutral so as to provide an environment in which the frum and non-frum can feel comfortable seeking support.

In a delightful turn of events JQY has NOT drastically dissapointed me.

The uncharacteristically non-neutral sentiments expressed by this organization were actually the work of a perpetrator who sent out messages under the JQY name in order for it to appear as though JQY promotes the anti-religious agenda they are accused of.

A job well psycho. You have single-handedly destroyed your validity.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Sister Wives

Short girl 1: It's a strange time in life when you start seeing the beauty in ancient practices that made a lot of people miserable.

Sister wives. Multiple women sharing one man.

I imagine this involved way too much tent hopping and a grand dose of jealousy and hatred. But one thing they were not is ..single. It appears that this design was the real way to get it done. Modern society has done us no favors. Anyhow, Short girl 2, how awesome would it be to be sister wives ?? I think I'm excited.

Short girl 2Indeed short girl 1! As I mentioned previously in “Another Shidduch Rant”, one benefit of sister wives would be that our statistical crisis would be over! Our modern era does have multiple perks such as washing machines, ovens, showers, flush-able toilets, and a woman’s opportunity to earn her own wages. However, I see many splendors in this ancient practice. We would share household responsibilities, have double the support for rearing children and maybe even tripple the income!! See, it would truly be the best of both worlds.
Just like we are expected to enjoy playing with Barbies, adore the color pink, eat kosher, cover our hair, and raise a family, it would be accepted practice. The other wife and her children would be a part of our family.  

Moreover, the thought of being sister wives with you, treasured Short girl 1, gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling!!  Life would certainly be a bowl of blissful cherries and might I add without the pits!!

Short girl 1: Well your last sentiment certainly sounds creepy and I am now having second thoughts about the entire thing. Please do not expect that there would be more warmth or fuzziness between us based on the arrangement. (...cheese??)

To anyone with reservations about reintroducing this wonderful and pru u'rvu-friendly practice please bear in mind the following:

As humans we are very adaptive; what seems preposterous to you now is simply a result of the way you have been socialized. The women of yesteryear did not know from anything else and considered this a normal way of life. Levels of happiness have remained relatively steady throughout history and across populations regardless of location, lifestyle, and the comforts of modern technology. If you cannot imagine being okay with this, try to anyhow. This message is brought to you by national geographic and the history channel. 

Short girl 2: What happened to being excited? I am actually quite hurt!! Trouble in paradise already?? Quickly e-mail me at so we can have a most intimate chat about this in cyberspace!  Also, first you are promoting sister wives, then you are turned off, then you are promoting again. I am sensing some change of heart, and fickleness in the arrangement. I think we know who the more stereotypical female is here.

Short girl 1: I'm only kidding, it would be lovely. As far as my bashing and then promoting...guilty as charged. A change of heart after careful consideration? An attempt to promote crap unto others that I would never wish upon myself? All of the above? Thanks for pointing out my flaws. AS ALWAYS. I get hubby this weekend just by the way.

Short girl 2: I'm so glad you can get honest with yourself short girl 1. That takes a lot of koach and especially on a public forum. Very shtark!

As far as getting our imaginary hubby this weekend, ok. But I get him next weekend. Glad we could work this out! Down with the Crisis ya'll!

Tuesday, July 9, 2013


  1. People who don't have jobs and misspell manager in their online profile.
I am mabager, I wud like to meet you, I live love life, live to eat love to live. I want sweet positive  girl, we.

Contemporary use: "My computer keeps breaking down, it's such a mabager."


Rule of thumb...

...your class doodles will never be very tznius.

Matters of the Middle East

Hebrew is so damn sneaky. How did I go all these years without noticing that the Hebrew words for husband and wife translate as owner and woman...?! Uhhhh...this just in from the streets of Israel...

"Sorry, my owner is at work right now can I take a message...."

"My woman has been so cranky lately..."

"Im so excited for my wedding when we can finally become owner and woman...this is such a dream come true."


Short girl 1

Monday, July 8, 2013

Life in a nutshell

The Real Crisis

Dear Shidduch Crisis Committee of the Cyber Community (SCCCC),

This letter is directed to all the guys in the community who are still having their shidduch lives run by their mommies. This is a huge turn off. Please be an adult and take some initiative. There are some wonderful frum sites out there in which singles can handle their own lives like adults. This letter is to encourage you guys to take matters into your own hands and stop relying on mommy to find you a girl who she deems suitable. Online dating is becoming increasingly popular and less loserish by the day. Jump on the bandwagon and deal with the adult world. Again, down with the crisis!

2 short girls

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The Short on JQY

As a community we have (hopefully) come far enough to understand that some percentage of our esteemed bochurim (and bochurettes, that's for another time...) are going to come out of the closet. A fact of life that simply is what it is. What are the statistics these days? 1 in 10 men are gay? 1 in 30? Whichever it is, there's probably one guy in each yeshiva class that's gay. (Do not quote me on that.) They will grow up, struggle in dealing with it, and basically make a choice of what to do about it. Date girls? Come out and live as a confirmed bachelor? Stay in the closet and live as a confirmed bachelor? Go off the derech and meet some men? Stay on the derech and meet some men?? Lots to figure out... In any case, somewhere along the way they will probably cross paths with JQY (Jewish Queer Youth) where they can meet some like-minded individuals who finally freaken understand them. JQY members probably span an entire spectrum of Judaism, and range from those who decided to stay in, out, frum, not frum, etc.

One thing that IS in the best interest of JQY however is to shy away from statements such as "This is a great opportunity for all the progressive members to come and explain why reform is right and the tora is outdated." Whatever one wants to believe is ultimately their choice, if JQY is to be a haven for anyone struggling or proud its probably best to stay as neutral as possible. If any JQY staff reads this, please think about this. You guys work so hard to seek recognition in the community, if you keep these sentiments up to the individual to conclude if he so desires, you can (hopefully) be seen as a noted organization for the frum and no longer frum gay community. Statements that lack neutrality will only serve to drive a wedge between the frum community and JQY, turning off countless people who could have benefited greatly.

Short girl 1

Another Shidduch Rant

The pressures of marriage nowadays in our (dare I say) narrow minded orthodox community is causing plenty of agmas nefesh. Do parents, teachers, so called “shaddchanim”, and authoritative figures of our society have any idea what they have created?  It is bad enough that the secular society tells our young impressionable minds that “One day our prince will come.” However, when you are 16, in tenth grade, and your devout Hebrew teacher says that a maidel is never too young or too desperate to start davening for her bashert, I know a line has been crossed.  Are we breeding our youth like animals? “Bachurettes,..the heavier your whimpers, fears, the whiter your tablecloth, the less colorful your nail polish, means the shinier your coats will be and  therefore, the  more likely you will get picked out of a crowd for mating!!” When did we become such a paranoid sect of religion!?  When did we begin to stifle our youth with matters that will be dealt with in due time? Can we not just figure out who we are as beautiful individuals with neshamos whom have been created and are loved by Hashem? Maybe we can have a creative outlet or two, be told to concentrate and appreciate who/where we are now, instead of being bombarded with uncontrollable future statistics? Maybe 22 should not be considered over the hill? Maybe a woman with a head on her shoulders, an education, a means of being independent, of goals (besides being a little woman), who has been allotted time to plant her feet on the ground and come in to her own should be honored in our society. Of course, it is wonderful to be in a good marriage, but why should an intelligent girl be a threat to a boy?  Is it possible dear Morah that if Bachurim and Bachurettes had less pressure to get hitched and breed, but were given more time to come into their own, that divorce rates would go down? Granted our orthodox Jewish community is not the only group still stuck in this proverbial caveman like state, but please everyone (including myself) take some damn chill pills!!

I realize that this matter has been expressed by many a forum, and I know Jewish woman are respected, as well as, able to juggle it all. Yet, I still long for the day when my own children do not feel an incessant overcast of pressure about meeting their zivug within a seriously short time frame, kal vichomer in tenth grade. Can we not shift the focus a bit? There are plenty of worthwhile problems to harp on. Till then, I’ll adopt many a cat and become a cat lady. Cats are way more independent and have an “I don’t give a rats @$$ attitude.” In any case, if we are so incessant about keeping with ancient mindsets, maybe men should be allowed more than one wife. It would certainly fix our statistic problems! Can I get an Amane from all you Bachurim out there?!!   
Short girl 2

Photo Fiasco

Dear Shidduch Crisis Committee of the Cyber Community (SCCCC),

My friends and I have found ourselves increasingly frustrated with the amount of empty profiles on frum dating sites. If you have taken the time to sign up please put up a picture and some basic information. This can be a wonderful venue to combat the infamous 'shidduch crisis'. However, why would anyone click on a profile that has no photo and an essay that reads "will fill in later" or "I'm in college"? The photo is particularly important and it is not vain for anyone to expect to see one when dealing with a perfect stranger. So take out your iPhone, go outside under a tree, and take a photo of yourself. Just a face will do, this should not require excessive preparation. If you are looking to find the right one for you, put in a bit more effort and you just may reap some benefits. Down with the crisis!

May we hear good news soon,
2 short girls